This holiday morning, are you worried you didn’t choose quite the right present for that someone special? I constantly strive, yet everywhere I turn I’m bombarded with impractical ideas. No, I don’t want a candle that smells like turkey, for the simple reason we're preparing the bird itself. Nor do I want a dawn-simulating clock, because I can leave the blinds achieves the same thing. And I definitely don’t desire a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, as said DNA originates in milt. Were I seeking fish sperm applied to my skin, I would tickle some pollocks.
Seeking Inspiration From the Animal Kingdom
So if you’re always looking for gift ideas, I recommend: learn from wildlife. Our species did not create the act of giving. This tradition has been around for at least a hundred million years, long before our species evolved. With a little help by evolution, this has given creatures ample time to master gift-giving. Indeed, certain arachnids even gift-wrap their presents!
Leaving out exercise-related items and other products I dislike, we can identify five main types of holiday presents: edibles, homeware, bling, beauty products and apparel. Nature's creatures has them all covered.
Culinary Presents: High-Protein Treats to Gourmet Skewers
Brazilian cuckoos offer their mates nutritious morsels such as bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. But if you prefer their meat skewered, then look to the butcher bird, also known as Lanius excubitor. Males impale their catch, such as bugs and rodents, on sharp thorns and branches crafting impromptu kebabs.
Certain insects gift their beaus salivary offerings, yet these are not just any spitballs. These are scorpionfly spitballs, created from the freshest saliva from the engorged salivary glands of only the fittest males. This offering is nutrient-dense, a key reason why the females favor males with larger gifts.
An additional factor is that the fittest males produce the largest gifts. By "fit" I don’t mean “looks great in a leather jacket”, though that may be true. I refer to genetic fitness.
The gifts are offered prior to mating, so by choosing the male with the largest gift, the female is choosing superior genes. She then consumes the delicacy during sex but terminates intercourse the moment it’s all gone. Bigger spitballs result in extended mating sessions, during which the male transfers more sperm and the female is unable to mate with other males. This explains the male's motivation for creating such an intricate present.
Homeware and Shiny Objects
These Antarctic penguins don’t give food, but they do give things for the home. On the icy continent, where they live, there is no a hardware shop, so the penguins must source their offerings from the local landscape. Each breeding season, the males gather small stones and start making their nest. The vital building blocks are scarce, prompting some chancers to pilfer stones from their neighbours. However, when a male gives a pebble to a female, it signals he is ready to commit. Consider it the penguin equivalent of an engagement ring. The rock doesn’t go on her finger, however. If she is interested, she takes the pebble and places it into the nest. Subsequently, following some finishing touches, they are prepared to start their family.
Speaking of shiny things, corvids are masters in this department. There are many accounts exist of people who made friends with wild corvids and later received bottle tops, screws, buttons and other shiny items. In one notable case, two people in Florida even received a diamond bracelet from a crow they fed regularly. This is especially charming because while many creatures give presents hoping for mating opportunities, crows seem to just enjoy giving.
The Pinnacle of Multipurpose Present: Sponges
Off the coast of Australia, researchers have observed dolphins collecting pieces of marine sponge from the ocean floor and utilizing them in fascinating manners. Sometimes, when they’re rummaging for food, they wear the sponges on their beak to shield their sensitive snouts. And sometimes, when males want to woo females, they wear them like jaunty hats before presenting them as presents.
By doing this, dolphins ingeniously merge two final categories of holiday gifts. Marine sponges serve as attire and skin protection. To make it even better, when males present their sponge hats away, they often strike a curved “banana pose” and play a whistling sound via their blowhole.
This is not the half-arsed giving of domestic animals – such as a cat presenting a deceased rodent in a hidden spot – or some people. Dolphin presents are thoughtful, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and delivered with panache. We can all learn from them. A famous singer may have said the only desire for Christmas “is you”, however, my one Christmas wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector by a dolphin that serenades me in a stylish manner.
